The Big 1-0

My youngest child, Sean is 10 today. On such a day, it only seems fitting that I share some of my memories, good and bad of this extraordinary person. 

Sean was born six weeks early. He tried to come ten weeks early, then again eight weeks early, but I was able to, through the use of medication and bed rest, convince him to hang on a few extra weeks. He spent his first nine days in the Special Care Nursery at Frederick Memorial Hospital. I had to leave him at the hospital on day four. It was by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I was only 20 miles away, but it felt like a million. The last thing a mother wants in the days following her child's birth is to be separated from him. I had my first and only panic attack the first night without him. I didn't know what was wrong with me. I wasn't sure if I was having a panic attack or a heart attack. Because I like to suffer in silence, I wandered around the house for about 20 minutes before settling in his bedroom to sit in the rocker and stare at the crib.  After an hour my heart palpitations stopped, my breathing was normal and I was able to go back to sleep. I couldn't get to the hospital early enough on the following day. For the next five days, I was in the hospital by 7 am, I would stay until about noon and come home and spend a couple hours with Robert and Reid, before returning to the hospital around three to stay until midnight. 

Once I was able to bring him home, the real adventure began. It turns out, premature infants frequently have sensory issues. Sean had them all. Sound, light, touch, etc. You name it, it bugged him and he did not sleep, ever. In addition to his sensory issues, he was also tongue tied, which was not discovered until he was about six weeks old and I was miserable because he was always hungry, but he had terrible nursing form. I was in constant pain when he would nurse. I spoke with and took him to a lactation consultant, she didn't catch on that there was an issue with his tongue. I spoke with and talked to his pediatrician, who didn't catch on that there was an issue with his tongue. It wasn't until his six weeks appointment, when I was losing my mind due to lack of sleep and I insisted that there was something wrong with my child before they checked his tongue. Sure enough, major tongue tie issue. When I took him to the ENT a few days later to have his frenulum  clipped, the doctor told me it was one of the worst cases he had ever seen. No wonder the poor thing was always hungry. He was so bad at breast feeding. he was only getting enough milk to satisfy him for a brief period of time. 

That solved one of his problems, but there were still the many sensory issues. Noise was a big problem. He could not sleep unless it was absolutely silent. I had two other boys, ages 3 and 5, and a small dog. Xena barked anytime the doorbell rang and she barked when she wanted to go outside, and she barked when she wanted to come back in. I had many friends who called frequently to see how the baby was doing. My house was far from quiet. I finally discovered this wonderful invention called a white noise machine. I had that thing going full blast in his room all the time. To this day, he sleeps with his white noise machine on, though now instead of static, he listens to birds tweeting all night. As I type this, I can hear the birds tweeting upstairs in his room because he still has to have it on as loud as it goes to block out street noise and the regular household noises of family movement. 

As Sean got older, the issues always changed, but there were always issues. He hated to be held and rocked, he especially hated it when I sang to him. He was prone to outburst over "nothing". We couldn't figure out what the problem was, he didn't have the verbal skills to tell us, but he would absolutely lose his mind several times a day. He hated the feel of flannel on his skin, so no flannel in the winter. He would throw up any food that had a texture that he didn't like. He was never content to play quietly while I got things done. He had to be engaged at all times he was awake. I was exhausted. Mentally and physically. I finally decided to call the Howard County Infant and Toddler Program and have him tested for developmental delays. It was the best decision I ever made. He had a slight speech delay, but they finally discovered his sensory issues and best of all, gave me tools for dealing with them. Within a week of receiving services from the Infant and Toddler Program, I had a different child. We learned what to do when he inevitably lost his mind over nothing, we learned what situations were his triggers, and how to handle them. He learned how to express his displeasure without losing his mind. I can never say enough about the program. We were able to get him enrolled in a special education preschool so that he could continue to receive services through the county. His teachers and specialists were wonderful and the two years he was in the program we saw him develop into the wonderful, fun loving, caring child that he is today. 

Those first two years were a nightmare. I cried myself to sleep frequently. I felt like a failure as a mother because I couldn't help and often resented this little guy that I brought into this world. 

The Sean of today is bright, articulate and so very sweet. He has a quick wit and a great sense of humor. He has not needed special education services since he was in second grade. Yes, he still has some sensory issues, mostly auditory, because he was tongue tied, he has some issues with his tongue and lip strength that we are seeing a specialist to try to correct. He is a terrible eater as a result of his tongue problems. He will eat peanut butter sandwiches three times a day every day if I let him. He now loves to be hugged and held and I'm sure he would love it if I sat in a chair and rocked him. Though he still hates it when I sing. I baby him because I feel guilty for the times I resented him as an infant/toddler. I enjoy holding him because I missed out when he was younger. He lets me because I think he knows I need it.  I'm trying to let him grow up, but it is hard. He is my baby, my youngest. He will always be my baby. I can't imagine our family without him. He and Reid are like oil and water. They fight all the time and it drives me nuts. But at the end of the day, when all is quiet and I have few minutes to myself I am happy. I love that we decided to have a third child, I love that we were blessed with a third boy. I love the way he can raise one eyebrow when he is dubious about something. I love his laugh. I love my Sean. Happy Birthday Baby Boy!